From Trashy to Classy, and Why That Was an Atrocious Idea

Last night I was feasting on some leftover Chinese food, sprawled with as little dignity as possible in an oversized denim beanbag that smelled vaguely of 12-year-old-Xbox-rage-filled sweat, watching the premier of the Behind the Music episode showcasing my favorite artist. The program was pushed out of MTV by more pseudo-indie comedies and The Real World rip-offs, and quarantined into the feces filled trough of television, VH1. When my show ended, I was too bloated and unmotivated to reach for the remote to change the channel, and I shrugged and braced myself for Couple Therapy.

I sighed. It was another celebreality show with once formerly significant star (DMX in this case) and a bunch of other ‘celebrities’ who TMZ wouldn’t waste time on. While they were counting down the couples during the open montage which looked like it was made on Windows Movie Maker on a public library computer, one of pairs of breathing trash caught my attention. The girl who was kicked off of Jersey Shore was dating a frat boy who was a failed contestant from The Next Food Network Star.

This made me reminisce for the days when VH1 didn’t have this pretense of being ‘not trashy’. When they embraced their role as the most wretched hive of scum and villainy of cable television, and gave anyone who was banned for life from at least 3 nightclubs airtime.

They claimed we were “getting a little fatigued by all those manufactured reality shows,” but I still cry myself to sleep because I will never see another season of I Love Money, For the Love of New York or Charm School With Ricki Lake.

To help me cope, I’ve compiled the list of the most entertaining, gripping and hilarious reality shows VH1 has ever gifted the American People with.

(All taglines taken from the official VH1 website)

5. Love & Hip Hop: (May 14, 2011-Present)

The Tagline: “To the casual observer, the world of Hip Hop is all thrills and excitement; there's the bling, the Bentleys, the power and the fame. But behind the scenes, Hip Hop can be a difficult world to navigate ... even harder still for women who are trying to find their lane.”

Why: In 2010, VH1 decided to axe all of their trashy programs, to reinvigorate the network with shows that with “more authenticity in their reality,” according to network president Tom Calderone, and added a whopping 44 brand new programs as a replacement. This was the end of ‘guilty pleasure’ VH1 and the beginning of ‘Oh God! Someone gouge my eyes out! Please! I beg you!’ VH1.

One show has boldly stood against this televised tyranny, Love & Hip Hop channels the pure unadulterated trashiness and absurdity, the type where you could never tell the genuine from the scripted, that made pre-2010 VH1 a favorite channel of mine.

And the people responded. The season 2 premier of the series were the best ratings VH1 had in 2 years. Now there’s confirmation of a spin-off. Is this a return to the priceless entertainment of the good-ole-days? Hopefully

Best Moment: Shortly after the season 2 premier, it was reported that due to the highly violent fights between the cast members, which occurred more regularly on the show than “#YOLO” tweets appear on twitter, all glass and metal silverware was removed from the set. Every time I see a plastic fork, my heart sinks because I realize I may never see a C-List rapper’s wife impale a D-List rapper’s wife with the hilt of a fork.

4.  New York Goes to Work (May 4, 2009-June 29, 2009)

The Tagline: “The acting biz is hard and unpredictable. In fact, most fledgling stars have to pick up a side job to pay the bills. Tiffany Pollard, aka New York, is no exception. Auditions come and go, but real parts are few and far between and Tiffany has found her bank account to be about as resilient as her ability to stay away from a Carl's Jr. Late Night Drive Thru. This girl needs a J-O-B! “

Why: Some of you will see this title and think: “How could it possibly be awful for a television network to commit an entire population to city work programs? If anything that could be one of the most beautifully American acts in this past decade.”

Clearly, you don’t watch VH1.

New York is a nickname given to Tiffany Pollard, whose only claim to fame is being the two time runner-up in the VH1 shows Flavor of Love. She’s ‘celebrity’ for losing a D-List celebrity’s dating show. That’s like claiming you’re an NFL player because you got cut from your High School football team. Yet, she was a fan favorite on Flavor of Love. So she might be deserving of what, a cameo in another show? Maybe the same show as a sidekick?

How about three separate shows staring her?

I mean how could you say "no" to that face?

I Love New York, New York Goes to Hollywood, and New York Goes to Work all graced the airwaves in the post Flavor of Love era. The third (and sadly, final) show was by far the best. The producers decided to assign New York to work various odd jobs for a day, and if she doesn’t kill anybody or destroy any property and manages to complete a handful of tasks easy enough for a blind marmoset, she gets paid for the day. She manages to fail and not receive pay for more than half of the 9 episodes. It’s a beautiful trainwreck.

Best Moment: For the third episode, New York has to be a maid at a nudist colony. About halfway through the show, a 60 year old male nudist asks her to rub suntan lotion on his back. Most would run screaming for the hills, but New York really wants 10 grand. I got a 6 pack from that 2 minute sequence from laughing so hard.

3. Real Chance of Love (October 20, 2008-August 3, 2009)

The Tagline: “Chance and Real, the self-proclaimed "Stallionaires", do everything together. They live together, they produce and perform music together, they travel, date, eat, and even breed Arabian horses together. And on VH1's "I Love New York" they both fell in love with the same woman. In fact, they made it to the final two and three respectively, and millions of viewers were stunned when New York sent them both home broken-hearted and accepted a wedding proposal from another man.”

Why: Remember how I said New York is the ‘celebrity’ equivalent of someone who got cut from their High School football team? Then that makes “Real” and “Chance” the kids that got cut from being the water boy to their JV High School golf team.

Ladies, please contain your orgasms

The best aspect about this show is how ungrounded in reality the show is. The brothers clearly could care less what happened to, or for that matter, who exactly were, the girls competing on their show. One of the brothers didn’t even pick a winner the first season. Now, instead it was a contest between themselves to see who could put these poor girls through the most ridiculous and embarrassing challenge on cable TV for the love of some dude who lost a reality show starring some girl who lost Flavor Flav’s reality show twice.

I almost believe it’s a psychology experiment, to test the limits of human dignity. There is no conceivable way that these “Stallionaires”, or any sane, or criminally insane, man would believe that a woman’s ability to host a county fair determines her worth as a wife.

That being said, these girls are not only willing, but extremely motivated to win the love of these waterboys. It’s like watching a cat chase a laser pointer into a wall because it knows that there is a promise of catnip at the end of it.

And who doesn’t love cats working for their catnip?

Best Moment: In season two, the brothers stumble upon perhaps their most legit idea of the entire series. “Hey we own a ranch…maybe our wives should have some form of survival skills!” So they decide to send the women on a camping trip. Seems logical and not horrendously scarring enough, right?

Then factor in that, unknown to the women, they’ve hired multiple actors to dress in Bigfoot costumes, and to pull some Blair Witch Project inspired scares on the girls nonstop for the entire multi-day camping trip. These bimbos are also dumb enough to not associated Bigfoot attacks with the cameras constantly following them around. So you have Scooby-Doo in real life, except the mystery gang has the combined intelligence of a rock, and the monster a budget of a semi-successful cable network. It’s a miraculous sight.

2. Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels (January 4, 2009-April 12, 2009)

The Tagline: “Bret Michaels has tried, twice, to find his Rock of Love. And now, after trying and failing, it's clear that it is impossible for Bret to be on the road, and be in a relationship at the same time. So why not try to find love on the road?  This time around, Bret will hit the road on a month-long tour, and rolling on this tour are three buses -- Bret's pimped-out tour bus -- and two others filled with a slew of new women, all competing for Bret's affection.”

Why: Bret Michaels is former lead singer for the hair metal band Poison. The band gathered up more than a reasonable number of platinum plaques during the 80’s. However, their real legacy is the tragic romance of ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’, which is notable for its god awful metaphors. The band broke up because everyone was equally addicted to heroin and cocaine, and there wasn’t enough money to supply all their habits. So they broke up, a distant memory of hairspray and drag-queen levels of makeup.

This is him attempting to not look like a drag queen

Bret is almost a modern day Romeo: a tragic love figure, searching for his honest to god soul mate on a VH1 reality show. Not once, not twice, but three separate occasions, all legitimately believing he would find his ‘rock of love’, a woman he could share the rest of his life with.

Okay, you can stop laughing now.

The women are walking blobs of breast implants (of which they love to flaunt), bleached hair, eyeliner and enough makeup to make Godzilla look pretty. Most don’t event attempt to hide their malicious, money grabbing intentions. It’s like the antagonists from Mean Girls, in real life, with more than $5,000 spent on plastic surgery.

However, for a man so concerned with finding the perfect mate, Bret’s challenges for the women are a bit, how you say, completely nonsensical. For example: Bret likes hockey, and he wants his wife to be interested in sports.  Makes sense, right? The challenge: Make the women play scantily-clad hockey, but instead of pucks, use baby dolls dressed up like Bret.

Clearly, the man is a genius.

Best Moment: The final choice for Bret comes down to two women: Taya, a former penthouse playmate who was suspected she was only on the show to farther her career and doesn’t seem to actually care about Mr. Micheals, or Mindy, a single mother who is not only a fan of Bret’s solo music, but also seems to have a real connection with Bret.

Guess who Bret chooses not just to win the show, and immediately proposes to on cable TV?

If you guessed the playmate who didn’t even like him, you’d be correct. It’s so hilarious just because it shows that Bret really wasn’t looking for a real partner, and is shallower than a kiddie pool for Oompa Loompas.

1.  Flavor of Love (March 12, 2006-May 19, 2008)

The Tageline: “After his failed romance with Brigitte Nielsen, Flavor Flav is ready for a new and true romance. In "Flavor of Love," 20 single women from all walks of life, selected for their expressed love for Flav, will move into a "phat crib" in Los Angeles and vie for his affection. With help and advice from Big Rick, Flav's gigantic body-guard and chauffeur, Flavor Flav will date all of the women, weed out the ones who are only after his fame and fortune...and in the end will choose his one true love.”

Why: I’ve already touched on Flavor of Love when I summarized New York Goes to Work, but let me expand on what makes this show so perfectly disastrous.

Flavor Flav is a B-List celebrity, notable for being the hype-man for hip hop group Public Enemy. Being a hype-man entails trying to act as ridiculous as possible in the attempt to energize the crowd. It’s the music equivalent of being a rodeo clown. Flavor Flav is the greatest rodeo clown in the history of music.

Public Enemy had numerous platinum and multi-platinum albums, and toured relentlessly for a period of nearly twenty years. This means Flavor Flav could be worth millions of dollars.

I say ‘could’ because at the time of the show, he was living with his baby-momma in a New York apartment, making all the income for his family of three by scalping basketball tickets. He also had a severe crack-cocaine addiction.

Now imagine the type of women who will relentlessly compete for the love of a man whose most significant contribution to pop culture is smoking crack and wearing an oversize clock around his neck.

I wish I was making this up

They make Snookie appear to have the class of the First Lady in comparison.

Flavor began this show after his previous relationship failed. Far from Real and Chance’s psych experiment, and not quite Bret Michael’s quest for eternal love: it was a request for a rebound.

Most of the women are eliminated for attempting to farther their careers instead of loving Flav. I want to let that sink in for a second. They are going to improve their professional lives by competing for the love of a crack-head on national television.

On top of that, the challenges Flavor gives to the girls are the least absurd of any other shows. In fact, they are legitimate tests to find a wife. They asked to care for the elderly, establish good relationships with Flav’s family and friends, blind-speed datie and undergo numerous other tests of character.

So you have these crazy, trash, gold-digging (though they’re probably digging for some other type of rock) women, and this drug-addict professional zoo animal put into close quarters with one another, and asked to show the beauty of their personalities.

It’s brilliantly ill-conceived.

Best Moment: In the semi-finale of the first season, Pumpkin (a small southern belle) is eliminated in favor of New York (who was crazy enough to warrant a reappearance the 2^nd season and get 3 shows of her own). Pumpkin and New York have had tension brewing all season, and when Pumpkin gets axed, New York starts talking smack. So Pumpkin does the one logical thing in this situation: she spits right into New York’s face.

This sets off the greatest fight in the history of reality television. I don’t want to ruin it for you, go look it up on Youtube for yourself. But let’s just say it’s like pitting a crippled field mouse and against a moose high on PCP.

From Aubrey To Lists

Even if you haven’t heard the travesty that is ‘The Motto’, a single off of Drake’s sophomore LP Take Care, you’ve certainly been touched by it if you have any sort of access to the internet. Swag is deader in the ground than Justin Bieber’s hopes of becoming a respected rapper. Something had to fill the void of ignorance. Young Aubrey Graham filled this void with the quote from his ode to himself:

“Now she want a photo, you already know, though, you only live once: that's the motto, nigga, YOLO”

 “YOLO”

“YOLO”

Now everyone and their mom had an excuse from doing anything stupid and/or irresponsible:

 “Driving on the wrong side of the road, YOLO!”

“Not studying for my final exam that’s 95% of my grade, YOLO!”

“Not surrendering to the brute force of armed rebels, the nations of France and Britain, and the United States Air force, YOLO!” (This was said by late Muammar Gaddafi, who passed before the song was even released. Needless to say, he paid top dollar for the premium Young Money leaks.)

Not only were Hindus and Buddhists in an uproar, but it was official: catchphrase rap had returned.

I cannot think of a time when more acronyms, ad-libs and random catchphrases were being shouted about in ‘hippity hop muzik’ since the mid 1990’s (and that’s when it was cool to spell your name out. What idiots does that anymore?). Now you’re wondering, “why has no one done a recap of the greatest of these random pop-culture phrases?”

Well, D-A-N-N-Y is fully prepared to guide you through the sludge of atrocities, and take you straight to the comedic, and serious, gold spouted by MCs in easily quotable form!

5. “Dat Shit Cray”- Kanye West (From ‘Niggas in Paris’)

Americans love to laugh at ignorance. How else would explain the existence of two VH1 stations that come with expanded cable packages? We also love self awareness and parody. Would William Shatner have half the popularity he posses if we didn’t? I doubt it.

Enter Kanye West: Just ignorant enough to be possibly the most arrogant man alive, just smart enough to make brilliant music and realize people laugh at his massive ego. Most of the time it’s hard to tell when the self proclaimed ‘voice of a generation’ dives into self-parody, yet on the 4^th single off his collaboration album Watch the Throne, he embrace a level of ignorance not seen since we elected a man with a history of cocaine problems president.

Too long to be cool, Yeezy knew he had to shorten a word like ‘crazy’, or else the people wouldn’t understand it. Coupled with a repulsive amount of bragging about wealth, women and designer jackets, Mr. West, the ‘genius’, crafted one of the most ignorant, and fun, rap lines in memory.

4. “Weezy F. Baby, and the F is for _______”- Lil Wayne (Too many Lil Wayne songs to mention)

Some phrases require no introduction or explanation, just facts. So for your viewing pleasure, watch Weezy play mad-libs, what he has claimed the letter ‘F’ stand for:

·         Fericious

·         Forget it

·         Front Door

·         Phenomenal

Someone hand that youngin’ a dictionary….

3.  “Then I pull out my beretta!”- R. Kelly (Frequently used in his Hip-Hopera ‘Trapped in the Closet)

Alright it’s not rap, but it might as well be. R Kelly’s 22 part modern day masterpiece “Trapped In The Closet” is a Hip Hopera where Kellz laces a single loop weaving the tale of Sylvester, who’s basically a combination of all of R Kelly’s self-perceived positive traits and Zeus. This thinly veiled ego-trip has the Kelly doppelganger starting off hiding in a woman’s closet from her husband after helping her commit adultery the night before. Of course, this being the deranged mind of Kelly, the story takes many strange twists and turns. However, the entire story is realistic enough that it could actually happen. So, it is so out of place when Kelly threatens to pull out his gun in the most random of times.

Still, this wouldn’t be so bad if he did it once, or even twice.

He does it more than ten times. R Kelly’s character only appears in 15 of the parts of the series. More than 60% of Sylvester’s appearances are defined with gun violence.  It’s hilarious for South Park to famously parody it. Yet the parody pales in comparison to the original.

It’s so hard for me to pick a personal instance of this, but if I had to pick one, it would be when Kelly attempts to let his beretta play marriage-councilor when it’s revealed the husband has a homosexual lover:

“’Chuck screamed out “We’re in love!’

Cathy says, ‘Love My Ass’

Rufus said they’re getting married, then I shoot one in the air”

2. “ARF ARF” –DMX (Every DMX I could possibly think of or that I looked up)

I don’t know how he did it. Dark Man X managed to make barking like a schizophrenic cool during any occasion. But those were the late 1990’s for you. I would say you had to be there, but even back then I feel like someone would’ve thought it strange every youth older than 10 was barking in every other sentence.

Now I know what you’re asking yourself, “how can I know when it’s okay to start barking in order to fit in with the hip-urban adjusted culture of today?” Here’s some context, straight from the OG dog himself:

“Y’all niggas want the real? Rrrrrrrr ARF ARF ARF what’s the deal?”

“Whatchall really want? ARF ARF”

“Rrrrrrr ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF. What’s on ya’ll niggas minds?”

Basically, if you’re ARF ARF ever talking to someone in the second Rrrrrrrrrrr ARF ARF person, you need to start barking. It’s what the cool kids are doing. And you don’t want to be not cool…right?

1. “You down with O.P.P.?”- Naughty By Nature (From the aptly titled song ‘OPP’)

In case you’ve noticed, with the exception of the tongue-in-cheek Kanye quote, the hilarity and joy in the phrases come from the pure stupidity and absurdity of them. This particular phrase is a glaring contrast. See, this quote is just clever enough to go over the head of any casual listener, and yet still concise enough for anyone with a slightly discerning ear to understand the message with a little bit of patience.

Basically, it’s one of the most perfect inside, yet still very inclusive, jokes of all time. More than 20 years later, it’s still brilliant.

I don’t want to blatantly come out and give it away, but it’s enough to make your mother laugh and blush at the same time. Here are some quick little excerpts:

“O is for Other, P is for people scratchin temple. The Last P, well, that’s not that simple. It’s sorta like another way to call a cat a kitten”

“As for the ladies, OPP means something gifted. The first two letters are the same, but the last is something different…I won’t get into that, I’ll do it, ah, sorta properly. I say the other P, hmm, stand for property”

If you’re still scratching your temple, just look up the full song. You won’t be disappointed.

So that’s the list. So next time ARF ARF your mom asks where the F you’ve been, and the F stands frying pan, pull out your beretta and tell her with OPP. Now that is truly ‘cray’.